


The Heart May Forget

by lachrymosa (Dienamic)



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Amnesia, Confusion, Identity Issues, M/M, Muscle Memory, Temporary Amnesia, amnesia fic that no one asked for, i dont even care, lol bye, lolbye, overprotective romano, prob not accurate
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-15
Updated: 2018-01-07
Packaged: 2018-09-17 14:48:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 9,473
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9329918
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dienamic/pseuds/lachrymosa
Summary: The amnesia fic that no asked for. Also pls keep in mind that they're still nations and this isn't AU. Lolbye.As Feliciano Vargas takes a step out of the train station, it takes a minute for him to realize that this place isn’t Rome, not at all. Immediately, the white flags begin to wave –quite enthusiastically –in his brain or head, whichever for some absurd reason.Real Summary: Feli struggles with his missing memories and sleepwalking tendencies as an amnesiac. GerIta.





	1. I found a home in Venice but left my heart in Munich

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: I honestly have no idea what I did with this fic, many apologies. I’m heartbroken and miserable. Sorry (I don’t care but I’m saying sorry anyways if I wasted your time lol.) As for the language, grammar and everything else, this isn’t beta’ed and I google translated all of the translations. I know nothing, sorry! Feel free to correct me hihi.  
> Little to zero research done on this fic. Again, feel free to correct me. Phew this took so long to be posted! Hopefully I can post more of this…
> 
> No Ownie!
> 
> Recommended Songs to listen to while reading (because song porn):  
> • Somewhere Only We Know – Lily Allen  
> • American Pie – Don Mclean  
> • Kimi no Shiranai Monogatari (The Story You Don’t Know) – Supercell  
> • Smile - Mikky Ekko  
> • Not About Angels - Birdy
> 
> Some songs have unrelated meanings, but I mostly listened to the melody sorry!! ^ J ^

_“Last words are always harder to remember when no one knows that someone's about to die.”_ _  
_ _―_ _John Green_ _,_ _Looking for Alaska_

 

As Feliciano Vargas takes a step out of the train station, it takes a minute for him to realize that this place isn’t Rome, not at all. Immediately, the white flags begin to wave –quite enthusiastically –in his brain or head, whichever for some absurd reason.

He stares for a minute.

He stares some more.

And he feels the tears bubbling up to his eyes.

Lovino is most definitely going to ground him when he gets home –which was terrible because he just recently gained freedom from his elder brother. For the first time in months, Feliciano gets to go out without his brother watching him like a hawk.

(It was cute to see his squawking about him like a mother hen, but then again, this might be one of his worse accidents, but it's not like he remembers any and so he perishes the thought.)

His Fratello sent him to Venice –which, according to his beloved brother is the city of his childhood (although his brother had not implied if he had grown up there as well.) In all honesty, his brother only shooed him out of the house because his friend –Antonio, was it? –was visiting and he didn’t want Feliciano to bother the two of them while catching up.

(“From Stazione di Venezia Santa Lucia, take a train to Rome. The faster one, you dimwit! Stazione di Venezia Santa Lucia, to Rome, don’t ever forget that, Feli! Make sure to be home before dinner.” his brother had told him.)

Normally that would be suspicious to Feliciano –he wasn’t _that thick_ –but he grabbed the only chance to go off on his own without any attempt of restraints from his brother and chaperoning him like he's a child.

And maybe he was also a tad bit interested to see the city he grew up in. But if we're gonna be honest, Antonio didn't seem to be just a friend... his brother wasn't exactly subtle but maybe the reason why he asked him to leave was because Lovino doesn't know how Feliciano will react.

(Of course, Feliciano doesn't mind. And he could get amnesia all over again and he still won't mind.)

And so he gathered all his newly bought art materials (courtesy of Lovino), kissed his dear brother goodbye and took a train to the city of Venice. It was truly a beautiful city, and he spent the duration of his day sightseeing, sketching the sceneries and the locals and filling up the pages of his sketchbook –and later lamenting over it when there were no pages left.

The place called out to his soul –to his heart. Maybe his brother wasn’t lying when he said that this was where he grew up because for some unexplainable reason, Feliciano felt more comfortable here than he ever did in their house at Rome. In the lovely city of Venice, all of his insecurities had evaporated, replacing it with security, reassurance, and peace of mind.

Like all the questions he had were answered. Ever since he woke up, he felt so lost, he didn't know his name, his identity. Nothing. It was like walking around in the dark and no clue where you are going, but in Venice, he was found.

He was found, but he has not found. The memories didn't return. 

It wasn’t enough –Venice gave him a peace of mind, but never contentment. There was something missing –he still felt incomplete. Like he belonged in a place somewhere else –Venice was just a missing fragment of his memories, a reminder of an important part of his persona –his beloved childhood. He could embrace the nostalgic feelings this place sparks in his heart but he could never be satisfied with it –it didn’t feel right.

And so he cried –shedding tears for the missing, realizing what he had lost and from the overwhelming emotions waving through him and how he can’t comprehend it all. He can't remember what they were, only that they were dear to his heart.

Venice will always be a part of him, but his heart belonged somewhere else.

Feliciano shakes himself from recounting the earlier events and tells himself to focus on the matter at hand. He also tries not to cry, because that would be an idiotic thing to do -even if the salt stings his eyes, why? He’s sure there’s a way to get home from here.

He looks around and notices that he is in Germany, (and after asking around) specifically in Munich. (He notes that German people are quite scary but very helpful in giving directions.)

How did he even get this far? Who winds up in another country while going home? He doesn't know how he got here. One moment he's in Venice train station and now he's here. The time gap was so long to wave it off as a sheepish, 'whoops, my mistake!' and as 'I was lost in thought while buying tickets.'

How to get home from Munich? Does he need to leave the station? Although that’s a good place to start, his mind cheers to him so he stands up and looks around. Since he got here via train, he thought that he should buy a ride back to Rome. Plain and simple, right?

Feliciano smiles to himself for being able to clear his head and making such a good progress.

“I should buy a ticket now, ve!” he says to himself happily.

Later, he is sobbing while his brother sternly scolds him, before hugging each other tight – because he scared Lovino half to death and Feliciano’s grounded again. Feliciano smiles knowingly when he asked about Antonio and his brother flushes red and chokes on his water.

But all’s well that ends well.


	2. Konnichiwa, my old friend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Feliciano later concludes that the man may have indeed seen a ghost.

Unfortunately for Feliciano, it happens once again.

It felt like waking up from a far-off dream –as he was getting out of the station, a voice calls out to him.

“Um, Feliciano-kun!”

He blinks twice –slowly, and his head jerks to the direction of the voice. His sight falls upon a small dark-haired man with deep, dark irises who is silently gaping at his form as if he had seen a ghost.

Feliciano later concludes that the man may have indeed seen a ghost.

But in that moment, he suddenly realizes that he just got out of the train station in god knows where and instantly takes a step back. What just happened? Wasn't he just supposed to pick up some groceries? (Noting the groceries in his hand, he certainly did.)

He did it unknowingly like it was muscle memory, kinda like something he does regularly, everyday.

Is he sleepwalking?  But it seemed so natural to do go here, and he can do it without thinking about it -because if he did he wouldn't be here at all - so is this a sign of remembrance?

It's not like he'll remember explicitly, but if he can go here without so much as a conscious thought then he must have a history in this place.

He notices the man who called him earlier approaching him. He turns to acknowledge him before asking, “A-ah, have we… have we met before?” He completely forgets what he has rehearsed with his brother just in case he meets someone he doesn't know but they recognize him.

The man flinches. He gets this constipated look in his face, eyes squinting, lips drawn into a thin line and then turns his back to him.

He mutters about, like he's reciting some sort of weird Japanese mantra. Because this man doesn't just look Japanese, he's wearing an actual kimono(?)

Feliciano walks closer to the man to try to calm him down, before he actually dies of heart attack (which he fervently hopes the otherwise.)

He hears the words "Be polite, be polite..." in English before the man swiftly turns around to face him, smiling and warm and calm as if the guy wasn't having a mental breakdown seconds ago.

"Miscusa." He says, bowing -that's really low, how does he do that? - and in the right accent. It wasn't the native accent that most citizens use, but the guy is most likely a practiced speaker.

"I wasn't expecting to see you here," the man admits, "I heard you were in a terrible accident, it is good to see you looking well now."

Feliciano nods, "Ah si, si. It wasn't that terrible, but then I have amnesia, which isn't so good either. I can handle it now though! Oh, did we use to be friends? I'm so sorry I can't remember you but you seem like a good person! Did we hang out in school? Are you an exchange student?"

He realizes he had asked too many questions, and the man has taken to staring at him in a mix of confusion and slight amusement.

Feliciano jerks, "I'm sorry, sorry! My brother say I talk a lot but I'm so curious to know what kind of life I had!"

In front of him, the guy shakes his head, hands raising up to stop him, "It's alright, I'm quite used to it." He explains calmly.

He laughs awkwardly, "Ah! I see." And just stands there more awkwardly waiting for the man to say something or maybe he should just leave or what should he say?

Feliciano thought the silence couldn't be more stifling before the man -finally - perks up.

"Um, Feliciano-kun, would you like to get some coffee and catch up? I think I know a place."

The man smiles mysteriously, and Feliciano didn't really know this man but he somehow ends up saying yes -completely ignoring his brother's rule numero uno: "DON'T TALK TO STRANGERS, FELICIANO! JUST BECAUSE THEY SAY THEY KNOW YOU DOESN'T MEAN THEY REALLY DO!"

"Si, of course!"

And that was how he ended up in a cafe with the smaller man – who introduced himself as Kiku – in Munich – as Kiku told him while looking at him in wonder when he asked – again.

They were seated in the corner of the homey café that smells a bit like tea leaves, wherein Kiku had divulged stories of them hanging out together (He liked that one wherein he took Kiku to tour Italy, it seemed fun and that one time he almost gave Kiku a heart attack from his driving and the other man had expressed his shock when he told him that's how all Italians drive.)

All in all, he had a great time. Not so bad when he spent half of the day in the train and he just missed lunch. 

Until Kiku drops a bomb on him, also Feliciano would like to add that he spoke too soon because – "does your brother know you're here?" He asks, eyebrows furrowing in barely concealed worry.

His eyes widen at the unexpected question, sweating. "I don't even know how I got here and what I was supposed to do here? And please please don't tell Fratello! He will ground me!" He pleads, tears forming in his eyes.

"Then why are you here, Feliciano-kun? That is very odd." And his voice just screams disbelief and mild interest and Feliciano wants to sob, because he doesn't understand as well.

"I-I don't know, one moment I was shopping for groceries, and thinking of a good meal to cook and I was thinking and when you called my name, pulled me out of my thoughts, and I'm here! I didn’t even remember getting on a train." He trails off, looking down so that Kiku wouldn’t see him in tears.

"That's a long time to be deep in thought," he comments, looking like he believed him, but there's traces of doubt etched in his face.

Feliciano gives him a pained smile, "I don't know, maybe I was sleepwalking? Are all amnesiacs like this?”

"I do not know, but your case is very special, Feliciano." The man cryptically tells him, who pulls out his phone. "I am sorry, but I must let your brother know you are here."

Kiku starts to dial his brother, and he notes that they must be close if he knows Lovino's number. Fratello must have been so worried! After he promised that he won’t wander off again and this…  

"Si, it’s alright. He must be freaking out."

Kiku chuckles in agreement, "Yes, well... hello? Lovino-san? It’s Kiku. Good evening." He greets politely.

There is a short pause and, "He is with me. We're in Munich."

A loud "CHE COSA?!" screeches from the phone, and Kiku sighs. "I was going to check up on him, and I bumped into your brother. Feliciano says he unconsciously got here."

This time, he doesn't hear his brother's reply.

"Has this happened before? This is an interesting development." Kiku says. What kind of development? Feliciano idly wonders.

Pause, "Hai. But, he doesn't know?" Kiku sighs again, in slight irritation. The man doesn't look too happy.

"But what if his memories doesn't return? We need to consider that possibility." He says seriously, eyes narrowing.

"I will leave it to your hands, Lovino-san. Yes, I will take him home. Have a good evening. Pronto." Kiku drops the call, looking out of the window, then looking at him.

"Gomen, Feliciano-kun." He says, smiling apologetically. It was a very confusing conversation -as one-sided as it is. It seemed like there was something his brother isn't telling him.


	3. A Far-off Memory

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Your name is Feliciano Vargas,” he tells him –voice breaking, then weakly points at himself. “A-and I’m Lovino, your younger twin.”
> 
> Ah. Feliciano, then, it suits him just fine.

When he woke up, he already knew that he has a grandfather. Aside from that fact, he knows nothing, nada. That was the only thing he knew, and he remembers that his grandfather’s name was Grandpa Roma. He didn’t know who he was, only that he was their grandpa, and there are fleeting memories of being hugged tight and reaching for his big hands with his own little ones.

So he opens his eyes and blinks from the glare of the bright hospital lights, then groans weakly. Something heavy falls on him, and it’s a person who is clutching him so hard that breathing was impossible for that moment.

This guy, who was crying silent tears, begins to scold him angrily, “Idiota! You scared me! What were you thinking?”

Something about that man’s voice pricks his eyes, and he begins to cry too, which he also got scolded for. Later, when he will look at the mirror at the adjacent restroom, he will realize that this man looks eerily like him, and that they are twins.

But he rubs that tears pouring out of his eyes and asks, “Who are you?”

And the world stops turning for a second. You can see how that one question wave through the other man as if it was a storm, his body jerking wildly and eyes widening, quickly getting up as if he was burned by him. There are tears in those eyes now and he regrets asking, but it was better now than later.

“Your name is Feliciano Vargas,” he tells him –voice breaking, then weakly points at himself. “A-and I’m Lovino, your younger twin.”

Ah. Feliciano, then, it suits him just fine.

He ignores the tremble in his brother’s voice, and the shaking of his body, crying and crying. Feliciano pulls him over and hugs him tight, voice coaxing comfort to his brother who doesn’t stop sobbing in his arms.

He learns a few more things after that.

His name is Feliciano Vargas, and he’s 22 years old, from Italy. Nowhere specific, but he’s living with his brother in Rome before he got into an accident. He used to be an office worker in some international business corporation, but the company decided to let him go (officially he’s on a vacation leave for an indefinite amount of time) because he needs a lot of time to heal and recuperate. He can come back _(if)_ when his memories do come back. He likes pasta, and enjoys making it, as well as other meals – a trait that he shares with his brother. His hobbies include drawing, sketching and playing football at the field.

They also ask him questions, such as what was the last thing he remember, and Feliciano messily tells them about his very warm grandfather. (He asked his brother afterwards where their Grandfather was, and he only replied “He’s not here anymore,” before dropping the topic completely. Feliciano can’t find it to himself to ask again after hearing that.) They ask him if he remembers anything else other than that, and he answers no –which gained him disappointed looks from his doctors, but why?

He cheerfully tells them that one way or another, his memories will surely return, won’t it? It didn’t take the frown off from the doctor’s face. “Amnesias are different with each case. We have no idea if your memories will surely return or not, but it’s better to go slow to avoid shock, okay?” he tells him, but his face says “You’re most likely not to recover.”

Days later, they declare him fit to go home, but he knows better that he’s not fit for anything at all, especially without a sense of self and identity. Still, they asked him to sign some forms (he can’t remember his own signature so Lovino let him copy from his previous files he had previously signed) and let him go with a clean bill of health and a carefully worded luck in recovering memories.

His brother takes him home, pushing him around in a wheelchair. He lets him familiarize the place, telling him where the bathroom is and where the food is stored. (Feliciano notes that his brother’s smiles are slowly returning.)

_(There is hope yet.)_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> idk when i will upload the next one, but hope you guys enjoy!


	4. it was never easy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nothing is normal for him right now; he wishes that they’d understand that. //short snippet

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gosh I'm so nervous about this, pls correct me for any off mistakes!! Please enjoy!

There are days when the sunlight is too bright, and you pray for some rain. Feliciano tells his brother this, but Lovino just informs him that this season is normal and that he shouldn’t dwell too much on it. Feliciano smiles and nods as they continue eating their meal –which they had both made together –and they will never open the said topic again.

(Feliciano thinks that Lovino completely missed the point.)

Later, when he goes out to buy ingredients for lunch and dinner, the sun hits him with a cruel glare as he steps out of the door. He covers his eyes with his hand, and suddenly he is tired. People didn’t seem to be bothered about the sun as much as he did, and he wonders if it’s just him. It feels too hot and too bright and too active –too alive. He calls Francis about this –introduced a few weeks ago by a livid Lovino –and the man immediately tells him that he’s coming over their house for a few days.

He is confused, but Francis only tells him vaguely that, “Feli should always smile.”

That statement dimmed his mood more. It felt like an expectation, rather than a motivation. He knows that the man means well, but it’s like he’s hinting that he should always be normally happy. Sometimes, he is afraid of what kind of person he was before all of this because really, what sort of never feels sad? Or was he even allowed to be sad?

(Nothing is normal for him right now; he wishes that they’d understand that.)

So often times he’d go to the park just to escape it all. It has become something like of a haven for him. It was easy to lose yourself to the distractions of the birds flying around, people passing by leisurely, and the rhythm of the fountain. 

(He lies and tells his brother he’s making art, and Lovino only gives him a suspicious look before giving in.)

He doesn’t. It wasn’t that he does not want to draw, but the fact is that he can’t. He can’t paint unless he lets his mind go and let muscle memory do it for him, and he’s such a shitty artist because he can’t remember being one.

It makes him feel more frustrated about his situation, but on better days he tries to improve his drawing even though it’s already flawless.

(The key word is “tries.”)


	5. Closing time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Feliciano blinks, tears rolling down his cheeks.
> 
> There was a barking sound, not too far from him, and he looks to the direction where he heard it from. And there, a couple of feet away from him stood a man, surrounded by his barking dogs.
> 
> He looks like a dog whisperer, with all three dogs sitting obediently at his feet. He’s talking with someone on the phone, black glove grasping the leashes on his other hand, his posture is relaxed, and his slicked blond hair is being blown by the wind. On the other hand, he looks angelic, the sunlight hitting his hair just right, basking in the glow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fixed! No major details added, but it's a bit good to read now. I'm still dead pls kill me bye.

He finds a job at your local café down the next street. Lovino pats him on the back and tells him that he’s proud by Feli’s progress and that he’s on his way to becoming part of the society like a normal person. NORMAL might be too much of a word to describe his latest development, and a big expectation rather than an encouragement, but he keeps silent.

“Little steps, Fratello! Then you can settle down peacefully again.”

Feliciano doesn’t ask what his previous job was. (He did once, and his brother got this weird and somber look on his face and leaves the table, heading to that room Feli is not allowed to enter.) Sure, he’s curious about it, but it’s probably not that significant if they’re not coming back to haunt him now that he’s been cleared for a while now. Besides, why else would Lovino ask him to find a job? Maybe he can’t work in his old job now that he’s lost his memories, maybe that’s why he can’t come back.

_(Sometimes he wonders, though.)_

His new job is pretty simple, and Feli is hopeful that he’ll get some sort of normalcy working like this, instead of wandering around the streets as if he can find what he’s lost there. As if he can find his place in this world that he lost.

The café he’s going to work in is small but homey, a type of place where you can really relax. The ambiance is good, and it isn’t overcrowded or empty. Today is his first day and he is jittery, but it’s the excited kind of nervous. He thinks he can do this.

_It seemed pretty easy, didn’t it?_

_It’s not._

At first, it wasn’t that difficult, the instructions were simple that even an amnesiac could do it. (These jokes gets less funny the more he makes them, but it’s his coping mechanism. Making the beverages is easy, but as the queue grows longer, he messes up one order after another in his haste to move faster with panic in his system, fingers shaking with the stress and pressure. Smiling at people and taking orders was no problem, but he bursts into tears the moment they get mad and start shouting at him, cowering like a child. He can’t understand why some people are so rude and scary?

Feliciano tries his best, but the manager can only forgive him so many times in his first week.

He’s on the verge of tears when the manager finally shakes his head on his second-week mark, sighing at him. And he runs out: takes off his apron and hat, and walks out the door and starts to sprint. He didn’t have any destination in mind, but he somehow ends up in the park that he frequents to.

He screams in his head, a long drawn out sound that rings only through his mind. All his frustration and anguish expressed in that one voiceless cry. There are tears spilling from his eyes, but the park just goes on as if nothing happened, people walking and passing him by.

Nothing really did happen. It was all just him, and his head.

As he strolls around the place, Feliciano allows himself to be consumed by his own insecurities. It’s just one job that he lost, but what if he finds other ones and none of them will suit him? What if he doesn’t achieve that kind of normalcy? He can’t stay under Lovino’s roof forever, despite his brother's insistence.

(And he knows that he doesn’t live there, his space felt like a little forced, felt like someone intentionally made space for him. It wasn’t the type of space that was already there or slowly integrated. They moved his things after finding out about his amnesia.)

And he just needs to know where he belongs, because he can’t seem to find it.

“Woof! Woof, woof!”

Feliciano blinks, tears rolling down his cheeks.

There was a sound of a dog barking, not too far from him. He turns to the direction of the sound and there, a couple of feet away from him stood a man, surrounded by his barking dogs.

The way he looks like reminds Feliciano of a dog whisperer –the show he's been watching back when he’s still in the hospital –with all three dogs sitting obediently at his feet. He's talking to someone on his phone, black gloves grasping the leashes of his dogs while the other holds the tiny cellphone. His posture is relaxed, with his slicked blond hair being blown by the wind. On the other hand, he looks a little bit angelic, the sunlight hitting his hair just right, basking in its glow.

“Of course, Gil.” And he hangs up, pocketing his phone somewhere inside of his large brown duffel coat. He turns around, and Feliciano sees a first glimpse of those eyes. Blue eyes, like the sky, with an emotion that he could recognize clearly from afar, and of course he would, he could see the same on his own when he looks at his own reflection.

His eyes are full of muted sadness, bittersweet despair that will make most people take pity on him. He looks like as if he was in mourning, looking fondly but with a mix of sadness at the scenery. Feliciano can’t help but to feel a pull to this man, who looks as lost and sad as he was, can’t help to try and reach out to him.

To wipe that sadness from his eyes, to envelop him in a hug, to bring a joyous smile to that face, he wanted to those all those things and yet – he’s a stranger, what would he care?

‘Look at me,’ he thinks, but the stranger doesn’t even notice him, he’s probably a bit too far, but he wanted that person to see him too. But he can’t even bring his feet to move towards him, to get close in his space. Caught up in his own self-doubt, Feliciano bites his lips.

And that stranger, he’s turning away, and walking out of the park with his dogs trailing after him and Feliciano can’t – won’t – accept that. He won't let him go without knowing his name, or at least talking to him.

And with a bravery that he didn’t have before, Feliciano follows the man.


	6. A Continuation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Munich. He's in Munich, again. This incident being his third time ending up in the same place and the same station again, he’s a bit frustrated. Feliciano looks around to see if he can find the man, even though he had a strong feeling that it was for naught. Irritation flared within him, with an onslaught of melancholic disappointment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to die.

He's already aboard the train when he came into the realization that he had no idea where they were headed.

It's probably not that far? He's quite not sure. The only thing that's certain for him is that he should follow this man. He doesn't have a reason why, but something in him desperately wants to. _(He’s never been this sure since the first time he woke up and knew that he has a grandfather that he calls Grandpa Roma.)_

And so he will.

So he sits there and waits because dog whisperer seems to be settling down for a short nap, dogs sitting on the floor around him. Are dogs even allowed on trains? They seem well-behaved, though, as expected from a dog whisperer. Feliciano's got nothing on his person save for his phone and wallet, but he doesn't know how to spend his time without coming off too obvious to the blond so he takes out his phone and pretends to do something with it.

He fiddles with it for a while, before settling down with a digital painting app. Immediately struck with an inspiration to draw this man, he sketches the man's features and does a quick portrait of him. He takes a while, but then decides it is okay and admires his drawing for a while before saving it to his gallery. This time, he takes his time to look out the window and admire the surroundings. A part of him wonders on which place in Italy they're in right now.

Later.

5 hours. It's been 5 long and boring hours since they got on the train. He's watched the man sleep for two and then sees him waking up and playing with his dogs for a while. After that, the blond eats a light snack. Feli's noticed that everyone around him is bringing suitcases and large bags, except for the blond, who only has his three dogs a bottle of water and some snacks hidden in his coat.

Ah, how much further? He tries to fight his sleep so he wouldn't lose the guy. But he supposes it's okay to close his eyes for just a short while. Blink.

Blink. The blond man is gathering his dogs and exiting the train. Blink. There's barely a group of people left in the train, blink. He should wake up. He fell asleep, but for how long?

Wake up!

He closes his eyes but someone is nudging him. Blink. There's no one there, but at his peripheral, he could see a man's shadow and three smaller shadows walking away.

He quickly exits the train and looks around. The man is gone! All his efforts have gone to waste...and Feliciano pauses.

This place looked familiar.

Munich. He's in Munich, again. This incident being his third time ending up in the same place and the same station again, he’s a bit frustrated. Feliciano looks around to see if he can find the man, even though he had a strong feeling that it was for naught. Irritation flared within him, with an onslaught of melancholic disappointment.

All his efforts gone with a blink – literally – of an eye and the man was gone. _(What are the chances for that man to return to that park? To meet him again someplace else? For someone who lives about 9 hours away, the chances are close to zero.)_ He could almost laugh but he felt hollow. Felt like he’s mourning for something _(someone)_ that was important. He blinks back the tears that started to fall, a bit confused as to why they are there.

“Hey little birdie, are you lost?”

There’s a hand touching his shoulder, and Feliciano turns around to be faced with a tall and lean guy with milky white skin. Snow White comes to mind, but – the weirdest thing was his striking eyes, colored crimson. All these characters: crimson eyes, pale skin, all points to one thing… “A-are you a vampire?” he squeaks, scared out of his wits, and slightly trembling.

The man, all white and red eyes, wearing a large jacket blinks at him, “Was?”

“Please don’t eat me! I’m not delicious, and I’m not that healthy, so it’s probably unhealthy for you to eat me too and –“He bolts, but suddenly a strong hand takes hold of his arm, preventing him from escape.  

Snow White who is actually a vampire pulls him back and this is what Feli gets for following some random – handsome – stranger and he’s going to die – “What? A vampire?”

The vampire blinks again, perplexed. A heavy silence fills between them as the other man tries to work out his words, and for the life of him, he is silent as a mouse. He knows he’s holding his breath, but realization finally dawns on his face and there he goes, face scrunching up and opening his mouth and – laughing?

It was an obnoxious, loud and almost annoying bark of laughter, but at that time, Feliciano cannot feel anything but relief. And with that, Feliciano laughs too, joyous and happy and most especially relieved.

Snow White who is not a vampire stares at him, silent and his own laughter quickly die down. “Oh, um sorry.” He offers, waiting for a reaction.

But the man simply shakes his head and pulls him, “Come with me!”

“Oh no, no! My brother tells me I can’t go with strangers!” He protests, but he wasn’t having any of it. If Lovino forgave him for that thing with Kiku last time, he would definitely kill him now. Nope, he needs to get home now, because his brother is already worried.

Snow White clicks his tongue at him, then continues pulling him away, “Well, your brother is not awesome.”

They ride a bus, and the man pulls out his phone to send a text, and Feliciano notes the cute yellow chick keychain attached to it. The albino punches for a while before pocketing it and turning back to him, “I’m Gilbert!”

“Feliciano, a pleasure to meet you!”

The rude guy doesn’t even offer to shake hands. “So what brings you here Feli?”

Oh um that. He had completely forgotten about that! Fidgeting in his seat, he tries to answer as honestly as he could, “Well, I had this urge to follow someone, but I lost them. I never thought I’d end up here again, though, it’s like there’s something in this place that keeps making me come back again and again.”

The man smirks, “As for me, I came to pick up my little bro, but I guess he went on ahead without me. Too bad for him, and lucky for you! You’re currently basking in my awesomeness!”

Feliciano nods, but he’s curious about one thing. “Say, Gilbert, where are we going?”

Gilbert grins at him, big and absolutely wicked, “My place.”

Feliciano is a little bit terrified.


	7. The Dog Shepherd with Sad Eyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Feliciano wasn't expecting this.
> 
> Because Gilbert opens the door to his – surprisingly – normal-looking house and there was the guy from the park, the dog whisperer. Wearing a frilly white apron over his black tank tops and cargo pants, Feliciano finally hears his voice when he greets Gilbert and asks what he wanted for dinner. He hasn't noticed Feli from the kitchen yet, but Gilbert is quite enthusiastic at introducing him:  
> "Bruder, meet my new pal, Feliciano!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this was short. I had this written out last week but I didn't have time to continue it bc my life is a mess. :(

Feliciano wasn't expecting this.

Because Gilbert opens the door to his – surprisingly – normal-looking house and there was the guy from the park, the dog whisperer. Wearing a frilly white apron over his black tank tops and cargo pants, Feliciano finally hears his voice when he greets Gilbert and asks what he wanted for dinner. He hasn't noticed Feli from the kitchen yet, but Gilbert is quite enthusiastic at introducing him:  
"Bruder, meet my new pal, Feliciano!"

The dog whisperer chuckles softly, all fond and asks simply, "Alright, is he staying for dinner?" without even so much sparing a glance at him, just moving around the place. He is offended, but then the man would probably recognize him as the man from the train who might or might not have been stalking him.

Yep, that will definitely go well.

The albino cackles in laughter, "Hell yea he is." And Feliciano just settles for watching him work, face serious and focused but also kind of sad. 

They lounge around the sofa for a bit, waiting for his brother to finish preparing their dinner. They watch some shows on the TV, Gilbert flipping the channel between some episodes of Phineas and Ferb and Masterchef Australia, drowning the sounds of chopping and steel hitting steel coming from the kitchen. Were the circumstances are different, the whole situation is awkward, but the other man makes him feel comfortable in a way that he kind of feels at home – that was so wrong on many levels – and he enjoys being in his company. 

This guy is probably the fastest friend he made ever since waking up, not that he’d made that many friends, though.

There are 30 seconds left on the timer from the Masterchef show when they hear Gilbert’s brother calling for him. "Gilbert, can you help set the table? I'm finishing up the pumpkin soup." The man says from where the good aroma is coming from. 

And Feliciano kind of hears his stomach grumble, but Gilbert is scowling in front of the TV, "Ack! I can't, we're on the best part!"

Feliciano doesn't miss a beat, "Oh! I'll help!" He offers, standing up and turning to head to the kitchen. Gilbert immediately reacts at this, standing up as well, frowning.

"Ah, no need, Feli! You're a guest, let me just...hold on..." He trails off, eyes returning to the screen where the guy just announces that there are 15 seconds left to finish before promptly sitting down again.

"Ah good, Feli, right? Can you fetch three bowls from the cabinet?" The voice says.

Feliciano nods and walks to the kitchen. "Of course!" he replies, stepping inside and eyeing the cabinets inside. He makes a beeline to the one on the left, and opens the third drawer and retrieves three sets of bowls. He turns to the blond who has his back on him.

“Shall I get some plates too?” But before the man could answer – 

"The bowls are on the left side, the third drawer from the top!" Gilbert hollers from the living room.

“I got ‘em!” Feliciano says back. The blond, who seems to be done, turns around to him, large steaming pot in both hand mittens. And the man gawks at the sight of him.

…Well almost.

If the man didn't have good reflexes they wouldn't have any dinner that night but he does, and he catches the heated pot with ease. He stares at him, holding the pot in his hands, looking a bit shell-shocked.

"Mein gott..." He whispers as if it was a silent prayer. The blond blinks, twice and five more times, checking if his eyes weren’t deceiving him.

Too awkward! And there were the white flags in his mind again.

Did he remember him from the train? From the park? Does he think he’s a creepy stalker? HE IS A CREEPY STALKER, WHAT WAS HE TALKING ABOUT! Oh no, they're going to have Feliciano arrested! Fratello is going to kill him if he has to come to the Munich police station just to bail him out! How does he even explain himself ending up in Munich? 

"...Can I help you..?" he asks feebly, avoiding the other’s man’s eyes, but the other man is glaring intently at him, and Feliciano meets his eyes. They engage in a staring contest for a solid three minutes, but the man seems to regain his composure and looks away before coughing politely. He then glances at the pot he’s holding and nods at Feliciano.

"I've got this, thank you."

And now that he’s seen his face close-up, Feliciano notes that he looks a bit serious, kind of like the ones your bosses give you on the first day. Feliciano nods, feeling a bit relieved. "Ah, I guess I'll go back then," Turning around, he lets out a breath that he didn’t know he’s been holding.

"Wait!"

He blinks and turns back to the man, who's got an almost desperate expression on his face. 

"Felicano, right? My name's Ludwig. Ludwig Beilschmidt." But there’s a crinkle in his brows as if it pained him to say that sentence.

But what a lovely name it was, Feliciano thinks.

"Nice to meet you, Ludwig." he manages a smile, wide and bright but a bit fake –like the ones he gives his brother on some days. The man flinches upon seeing this as if he’d been hit. He shakes his head and readjusts the pot in his hands.

They both head to the dining area, and Gilbert is already sitting there on the table, blinking owlishly at them. He pouts at them, before opening his mouth to complain.

"What took you two so long? The show finished like minutes ago! All that cooking on TV has got me hungry, let’s eat!”


	8. it's a small world after all

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They’re at the station, and Gilbert grins at him apologetically, “Don’t mind Luds, alright? He’s just being a tight ass about you.”
> 
> Feliciano smiles at his attempt of cheering him up, “Why would he?”
> 
> “Because we met first.” he admits, and he pauses, smile dropping off from his face because what?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Um thanks for everyone who's reading this! I love you all. I'm sorry I couldn't reply to your comments, but I read them and I appreciate your support and appreciation for this fic. I'm sorry if this chapter seemed like a filler, I promise there will be more soon! uwu

Dinner was a very awkward affair.

"So Feliciano, where did you meet my bruder?"

Of course that's the first question he'd ask, and of course, he can't answer that without coming off either stupid, creepy, weird or all of the above. So Feliciano delays it by taking a sip of the soup - quite good, he’ll say despite being exposed to high-quality cooking courtesy of his brother and himself - and appears to be giving the question some thought, he’s quite good at that. When he finally opens his mouth to answer, Gilbert talks first.

“I met him at the station! I was gonna pick you up but you were already gone and I saw him! He looked a little lost, so I decided to make him un-lost, right Feli?”

And it’s not just Ludwig who blinks at Gilbert, “You mean a while ago…?” He trails off, confused.

The blond frowns, and narrows his eyes at Feliciano, making him flinch. Feliciano takes a piece of bread from the basket and tries to shake off the feeling of he got in trouble with some random kid he met in class and now they’re being interrogated in the principal’s office.

Dio Mio, he’s different from the dog whisperer he followed to Munich. And the man is still staring at him intently and he turns to Gilbert for help but the man doesn’t notice and continues to slurping his soup enthusiastically while mumbling about the show he watched.

"You mean to say that you've just met my brother and you went with him?” The man scolds.

“Um, Gilbert kind of dragged me - “

Ludwig cuts him off, “Didn’t your brother tell you not to go with strangers?”

Feliciano knows a lost a battle when he sees one. “...He did.” Snow white is laughing in the background, and Feliciano is scared out of his guts right now. It doesn’t look like the other man is going to murder him after desert, but he’s getting the ‘You’re so stupid and you have dishonored your entire ancestral line’ kind of vibe and he can’t deal with that kind of pressure.

“Hey, go easy on him, Luds! He’s cool, isn’t he? I like him!” Finally, Gilbert decides to intervene and save him. Feliciano can breathe easy now.

“Gilbert, you’re returning him home after dinner.” The man orders, standing up and grabbing his plate to the direction of the kitchen. Feliciano blanches because he doesn’t want to go home quite yet - ignoring the wrath that he’ll eventually face from Lovi - because he doesn’t know the other man quite yet.

“But we’re gonna play - “ Gilbert retorts, but he is cut off with a glare from Ludwig.

“After. Dinner.”

And then he’s gone. Gilbert levels him with a guilty look, shaking his head. “We’re supposed to hang out, but Ludwig will lose his shit so yeah, I’m returning you back to where you came from.” They continue eating in silence, and he takes this time to ruminate the events that just happened. In general, the dog whisperer is stoic and serious all the time and has a scary voice. But in rare times, he shows his gentle side like that incident in the park. He doesn’t get why he’s so angry but understands if his brother goes home with a stranger that he just met, he’d be mad too. Feliciano thinks he can relate to that kind of sibling relationship.

The dog whisperer doesn’t come back even after they ate dinner, and Feliciano gathers up his coat by the door, while Gilbert cleans up the table and grabs his own coat and they both depart. He takes one last look at the house to catch a glimpse of the man but didn’t, which is quite disappointing. He has a feeling that he’ll come back though, because he felt some connection with the man, and he won’t let that go.

He gets Gilbert’s number, just to be sure.

They’re at the station, and Gilbert grins at him apologetically, “Don’t mind Luds, alright? He’s just being a tight ass about you.”

Feliciano smiles at his attempt of cheering him up, “Why would he?”

“Because we met first.” he admits, and he pauses, smile dropping off from his face because what?

Snow White laughs at his expression, amused and patting him on the back, “Nothing, just come back soon! We’ll marathon Masterchef Australia. You got my number, just call if you’re around.”

He nods, hands slipping inside his coat pockets by instinct, fingers finding the slip of paper Gilbert had written his number on. He thinks about getting a phone, which he didn’t do earlier because he had no one to call except his brother.

The train arrives, and he steps in. “I will, bye Gilbert!”

Gilbert nods, and his face scrunches as if he just remembered something. “By the way, Feli. I texted someone to pick you up at the station, travel safely, ja?”

True to his word, Big brother Francis is standing around the station when he finally arrives in the morning. He didn’t get enough sleep from the train and he just sort of collapses in the Frenchman’s arms and doesn’t even wonder how the heck Gilbert knew Francis. He smells like red wine and roses, and it’s extremely comforting.

Francis chuckles at the weight leaning on him, “Honhonhon. Well, let’s take you home, young one.”

* * *

 

His brother is arguing with someone when he and Francis arrive. “Stupid potato bastard, get the fuck outta my face!” Lovino hangs up angrily, almost throwing the phone at the wall before catching himself. He glares at the door before he sees Feliciano smiling sheepishly at him.

“WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN!?!” he shrieks, hugging him. “I was worried sick! Especially after finding out from that potato that… nevermind, have you eaten? Hungry?”

Feliciano shakes his head, smiling. He’s glad that his brother was worried about him, he’s expected that but knowing he cares that much makes Feliciano happy. “I think I just want to get some rest, Fratello.” Lovino looks unsure, but he lets him go and he goes straight into his room and onto his bed.

He can hear his brother’s voice shooing Francis out of the house, “Uh thanks for bringing him back, but he’s here now, so get lost already.”

The other man chuckles, and Feliciano has to strain his ears to hear the reply, “He seems to went off on his own, Kiku has told me some interesting theories.”

Wait, Kiku? Francis knows him too? Francis seems to know a lot of people lately. Is he popular or something?

“I don’t want to hear some crap about your far-fetched theories. He needs time to recover, get it? Let him be, he’ll come back on his own.” Lovino replies and Feliciano can tell the thinly veiled annoyance in his voice. It makes him feel like a burden to his brother, thinking he’s just some added weight around the house, and his brother’s work is too demanding sometimes that he doesn’t need Feliciano to deal with.

The sooner he can remember, the sooner he can get out of his brother’s hair and lessen his stress.

“Hmm? What are you going to do if he doesn’t recover then? Have you ever thought about that or were you too sure of yourself?” Francis jests and Feliciano shuts his eyes tightly to stop the tears. What a burden he must be!

He barely hears his brother’s quiet reply, and almosts wishes he didn’t, “Of course I have… and if he doesn’t remember, then I’ll be strong enough for the both of us.”

His heart broke, and the tears fell like the sudden onslaught of a flood. He’s too busy crying but he doesn’t miss the pity in Francis’ voice, “I forget how much you’ve matured, Lovino.”

There is silence after that, but he doesn’t fall asleep. Feliciano blames it on the brightness of the sun when he tells his brother over lunch that he didn’t get any.

 


	9. in the waves I lost every trace of you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Feliciano comes to a decision.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title is from woodkid - i love you

**In the waves, I lost every trace of you**

 

 

He comes to a decision.

Feliciano needed to learn to stand on his own, earn his own keep. Amnesia isn’t an excuse to become a burden to his dear brother. Many people learned to continue living with this condition, even after realizing that they would never regain their memories. He can do this. He’s not weak or anything, he’s strong.

(He’s not, but he’ll do his best anyway.)

He can’t just keep grasping into the air, previous life fleeting from him, stuck in a past that he doesn’t even remember.

Today, he makes a hearty breakfast for him and his brother, just to tell himself that he’s doing something productive. He cooks some eggs and tomatoes, toasts the bread and sets the table. After inspecting his work, he gives himself a mental pat on the back – it won’t make up for the countless times he’d been made dinner for, but it’s a start.

But instead of waking up to the aroma of the simple breakfast he whipped up, Lovino comes out of his room wearing a suit. He’s trying to knot the tie with one hand, the other hand carrying a briefcase. It seemed pretty big, and Feli wonders what kind of presentation his brother will do at work today.

_(One time, he pesters his brother about what kind of job he does. Feliciano didn’t really understand his brother’s short and vague description of planning and coordinating with their bosses – an organizer, perhaps? – before launching on a rant about his annoying co-workers._

_“The wine bastard and eyebrows are arguing ALL THE TIME! And Macho Potato’s not even doing anything about it. Just sits there looking like a kicked puppy, che palle! And because of that, Ame – I mean, Alfred is in charge now. He’s kind of okay, but he talks too damn much.”_

_Feliciano, who didn’t understand a thing he had said, still nods vigorously and hums in agreement.)_

His brother notices the meal sitting on the table, and sighs sadly.

“ _Mi dispiace,_ Feli. I need to be at the airport in 45, maybe next time?” His brother asks sheepishly. He nods mutely, trying not to let his disappointment show. Despite this, though, his brother grabs a toast from one of the plates. “A business trip? Where would you go, brother?” He asks, walking towards him and offering to do his tie. His brother gives him the go signal, and he proceeds to knot his necktie.

“Just somewhere in the north, won’t take a week, the boss just wanted a meeting for formality,” Lovino explains, holding the toast in one hand.

 “Oh, I see. Have a safe trip brother!” He tells him, kissing his cheek.

Lovino grins and waves him goodbye.

Now, what to do? He’s been roaming the city now, but he doesn’t know where to get a job. He’s a bad server, so he can’t apply in food service; he’s not a chef even though he cooks incredibly well, so he doubts that anyone would hire him as a cook without any credentials. Maybe he’ll take his chances and start off as a kitchen hand? Or as a janitor? Anything would do, he guesses.

He ends up in a photography shop. He looks at the cameras and tries to take pictures with them. Maybe he should buy one? Get a hobby – wait, he’s here to find a job not to waste cash!

_Stupid, stupid Feliciano._

“Well, what have we here?” a voice behind him says, making him jump and almost flip the stand down.

“W-woah! I didn’t see you there, I apologize, please don’t get mad!” He says, looking behind him. Now here’s a man whose face he cannot recognize, but there was a sense of familiarity. Said man is blond, whose sky blue eyes are hiding behind a pair of thick-framed glasses.

 “Hello! What brings you here from this part of town?”  He says, grinning widely at him.

“I would ask you the same, you don’t look like you’re from around here,” he replies politely, “Are you perhaps a foreigner? Ah! Sorry, I didn’t mean to offend…”

The blond winces at his words, “Is my Italian really that bad?”

“Si.” Feliciano replies, then, because he’s a good Italian citizen, continues, “Would you like me to come help you see the sights in town? I have amnesia so my memory won’t be good, but I think it’s a duty of every Italian to help sightseers around!”

The man stares at him in stunned silence for a minute and suddenly bursts into laughter. Feliciano immediately feels uneasy, watching the man take off his glasses to wipe the tears of laughter from his eyes. It took minutes before his laughter died down.

 “Hey, I’ve been practicing, excuse you.” He finally retorts in English. Then he turns his attention to the cameras. Feliciano follows his gaze, not noticing the man looking at him. He sighs loudly, making Feliciano return his gaze back to the foreigner.

“You want one, don’t you?” The blond asks, with his nod, he continues, “Well, why don’t you buy one? It might be good for you. Look, this one is easy to use but it takes great pictures! What about this one, very high tech but in time you’ll learn how to take professional photos! That’s great right? Right! I know I’m right –”

Feliciano sighs sadly, “I am looking for a job, to be honest,” he admits. He guesses it was okay to tell this stranger about his woes in life. Even though if it turns out he’s actually a pickpocket, there isn’t any money on him for that man to steal.

Instead, the man just nods solemnly, then says, “I gotchu fam.”

Suddenly, the blond marches straight to the counter to purchase something. He was left to watch the man talk rapidly with the salesman while pointing at many cameras on display simultaneously. He watches on, looking bewildered. After the purchase was done, the man carries the small bag towards him and hands it over to him.

“There.” The man looked very pleased with himself.

Feliciano blinks.

“Scusa?”

The blond raises an eyebrow, “It’s yours. It’s a gift.” Feliciano’s eyes widen to the size of saucer plates, “A-are you serious!? But I’m just a stranger you just met and talked with!” He pushes the box back to the foreigner man’s hands back, but the man refuses to keep it.

“I can’t accept this!” Feliciano reasons, making the other man frown unhappily, how could this man possibly have so much kindness?! Or money for that matter?!

“Why not, I gave it to you?”

Finally, after minutes of coaxing and irresistible puppy eyes that he found himself unable to look away from, Feliciano is forced to accept the stranger’s gift. He opens it to see which camera he bought. It was an Instax, and there were films inside another box. It was something he’d never thought or even dream of buying, but there you have it. He looks up to thank the stranger for buying him a camera, but then the stranger was nowhere to be seen. He looks around and there were no signs of him inside the store – just as if he vanished. The only proof was the bag he was still holding. 

 

It works.

He doesn’t know why, but he takes pictures – lots of them. It was so odd how you try to fit a portrait in something so small and Feliciano took photos of everything, even the ones who slightly stirred up some interest. The first was the trial shot of a flower in the park, and he felt unstoppable, even though he only had twenty prints.

Hold on.

He’s out of prints. Feliciano fumbles with the bag and the boxing, yeah he only had twenty prints. But how? That’s so… less. It felt as if waking up from a dream.

He mistook the thirst for inspiration, and now he’s left with twenty prints of insignificant somethings. What was he to do with these? What will happen tomorrow? Is he getting a job? No, not like this, not when he’s wasting time wasting gifts from kind strangers. And he barely understands himself and felt like screaming. So he goes home, Instax and twenty prints in hand.

The house is empty, of course. He should be able to make something, but he’s not in the mood to do so. Instead, he takes his brother’s leftover breakfast from earlier and eats it. It’s cold, because Feliciano had placed it in the fridge, but it’s still good because he’s a good cook.

Maybe he should start his own restaurant?

Well, it’s just a wistful thought. Dismissing said thoughts about choosing mahogany tables and marble countertops, he quickly finishes his food and dumps it in the sink. Later, he decides.

He lays the twenty prints on the table, side by side.

_What to do now? Well, he’s only good at one thing, isn’t he?_

He brings down his blank canvas from his room and sets it up near the table where the photos are laid out. He grabs his brushes and paints from his worktable and brings them down. Feliciano then takes the first photo he took, attaches it at the bottom of the canvas.

And as much as he loathes it, he takes his brush and starts to work.

His mind floats.

His hands keep on moving, mixing colors and stroking lines of colors on the canvas. He continues to work, moving mechanically like a robot.

The picture has become blurry. Why?

He picks it up. Droplets start to fall on it. Why?

Why were there tears in his eyes?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this got dark real quick

**Author's Note:**

> Please feel free to talk to me on tumblr! My username is die-elle so please feel free to hit me up if you want to talk about hetalia! Although I’m not active much anymore.


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